Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
