There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
