I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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