First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
