Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
