Hey man sorry I got all grabby
im six kinds of drunk right now
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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