I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
