peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize