Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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