Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
