i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
