my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
