i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
