We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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