Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
