so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
