My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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