i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
