i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
