I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
