i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
