Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
