and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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