i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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