I must be too annoying 4 u.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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