Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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