yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
