From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize