im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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