Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
