just tell him i said nine months
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
