I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
