I heard we made out
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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