apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
