She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Randomize