That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My cat gives me a boner
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
