What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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