Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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