Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
