You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
