Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
