the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
