so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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