So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
