I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
