you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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