hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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