tonight lets celebrate not being married
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
