Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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