Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
