drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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