you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
