My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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