Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He did a backflip because drugs
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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