Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
