I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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