I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
