omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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