NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
