kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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