your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The Olympian is in my bed
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
